where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
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Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.