Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
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Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime