I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
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i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Twitter is an abusement park.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.