ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
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[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass