Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
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The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
Me trying to “trust the process”
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors