The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
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I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.