If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
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This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Ferrari squats
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
I was up all night reading about insomnia
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese