I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
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Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you