Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
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Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar