Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
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hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
Wait a minute
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Genius idea!!