A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
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My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.