I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
You Might Also Like
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”