My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
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I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
“We will wed,” I threatened
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Remember folks 😂
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.