My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
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Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
True.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS