She was REALLY feeling it.
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(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
When can I start eating bats again.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.