You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
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That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
never ask a starfish for directions
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds