Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
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[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies if you cook bacon and bake cookies?
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
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[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
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Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house