Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies if you cook bacon and bake cookies?
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No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Dentist: “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”
Patient: “I heard you the first time. You didn’t have to say it twice.”
Dentist: “I didn’t. That was my echo.”
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Oh deer
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
Forget first names. We should just name storms after specific people. If you told me “Jane Ellen Green” (my former trigonometry teacher in high school) was headed my way, I’d be terrified & take immediate cover
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE