[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
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I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
My wife gives the best headache.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.