I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
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[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?