[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
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what the hell pray for carter everyone
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Wasps: bees, but not helping
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.