The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
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Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Brilliant!
They’re really bad with fonts.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*