Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
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surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
why isn’t he texting back
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.