Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
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her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!