Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
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Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight