I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
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Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you鈥檝e made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that鈥檚 a Fruit Loop
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
馃槀馃槀
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don鈥檛 feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I鈥檓 smiling
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don鈥檛 move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won鈥檛 happen until yesterday.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.