HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
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formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
Chicago sounds lovely.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*