Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
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Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.