This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
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if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
shut up and take my money
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!