“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
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Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.