Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
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Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.