Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
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Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.