Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
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[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Knock Knock
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.