me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
You Might Also Like
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Hotels are back
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?