I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
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Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
then why did i get this email
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.