“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
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I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
me when the borders lift
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.