“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
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husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.