“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
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I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
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Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
#Caturday
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Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
True?
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I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
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Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.