I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
You Might Also Like
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors