I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
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When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back