what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
You Might Also Like
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
There’s only one good girl here!
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Oh, I bet you would be
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.