My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
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“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
this has done me in for some reason
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.