Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
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owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct