Going feral. Y’all need anything?
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why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
I hope this email finds you in a well
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
This classic never gets old . . .
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.