Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
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Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
u spoke cat all this time??????
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”