Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
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Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.