THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
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[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait