“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
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“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
After 35, your body ages in dog years
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”