Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
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It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
Butt weight. There’s more!
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Who’s your best friend?
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.