Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?

Bill collector: Um.

Monica just destroyed the internet

[me, being murdered] agree to disagree

*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading

Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.

So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.

12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me

25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid

50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid

I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.

Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency

[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.

(by @ZachWeiner )

I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.

I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.

Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.

If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic

If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?

“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane

My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.

Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.

Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.

oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire

YES

YES

YES

YES

YES

-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house

Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.

Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”

Parole officer: Come in and take a seat

[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*

6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber

Me: Why are you —

8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!

6YO: I already told her, it’s over

[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son

[At the funfair]

*Fire alarm sounds*

Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.