G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
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I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…