G/F wanted sex.

Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.

And that’s how the fight started.

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[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money


Reasons to jump:

1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you


Cop: You doin drugs?
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”


“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”


[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls

struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]


Exits public bathroom stall

Makes eye contact with the person next in line

Mouths: “I’m so sorry”


I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon


okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?


Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are: