@Area51eh

G/F wanted sex.

Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.

And that’s how the fight started.

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@chuuew

[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money

@TheSweetestD_

Reasons to jump:

1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you

@rockymomax

Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”

@UncleDuke1969

“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”

@CornOnTheGoblin

[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls

struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]

@_Tempo11

Exits public bathroom stall

Makes eye contact with the person next in line

Mouths: “I’m so sorry”

@Mandiatrandom1

I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon

@myqkaplan

okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?

@EclecticHams

Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are: