The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
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Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
🛁
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?