We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
You Might Also Like
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
*looks at you in batman voice*
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
hmmm
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Knock Knock
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.